Conflict Communication: A Framework for Productive Disagreement

[00:00:00]In today's episode, I'm going to teach you how to talk to someone you completely disagree with on every level.

[00:00:07]That's looking at you family members at the dinner table. And here's the takeaway I'm going to tell you right now. You don't have to agree with them ever. All that and more coming up. Let's go. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. We're on a mission to [music] make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you're listening to this podcast, my guess is it's because you want to be a better communicator and in turn improve your life. So that's [music] exactly what my promise is to you. In exchange, what I'm going to ask for is that anywhere you're listening, [music] would you please press the button subscribe? It's a very low lift. It'll take one second, but it really makes a difference to me and my family and the mission that I am continuing to serve with passion. This episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth.

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[00:01:27]And now back to the episode. If you want to talk to someone you completely disagree with, here's what I want you to do. We're going to get right to it.

[00:01:34]Number one, don't argue the opinion.

[00:01:38]Identify the need.

[00:01:41]Identify the need. Number two, shift from proving to understanding.

[00:01:48]And number three, water your own garden.

[00:01:52]Don't waste your water trying to water their bad seeds. All right? Water yours and they'll get curious why yours is doing so well. Water your own garden.

[00:02:04]We're going to go into depth on those.

[00:02:05]Number one, don't argue the opinion.

[00:02:08]Identify the need. Let's go deeper on that. What does that mean? So many times in conversation, you are, let's say you're at the dinner table and you have family members, in-laws, whatever it is, and somebody brings something up and there's all of a sudden that tension in the room. They go, "Oh god, oh my gosh, he they just they went there." They they talked about it. They talked about that candidate. They talked about that platform, that opinion, that that whatever it is. Maybe you think it's a old mindset. It's an outofdate mindset.

[00:02:38]It's a um it's it's not a nice it's not good to bring up. It's it's not cuth.

[00:02:44]Whatever it is, it's going to bring you tension, right? And what you want to do is start arguing the opinion. You're arguing the very top the tip of the iceberg. We get caught in trying to argue somebody's opinion. If they were to say, "Well, I believe that so and so is the best for this or they obviously this issue in our country is the worst it's ever been." And you want to argue, "No, it's not. Actually, we need this."

[00:03:11]And you have this different opinion.

[00:03:14]You're just talking about the tip of the iceberg. But what breaks that down is that you're never going to get them to come your way and you're never going to get to theirs. You don't have to share their opinion to have a valuable conversation.

[00:03:31]What you have to do first is identify the need. The tip of the iceberg, what's the bottom of it is the need. And it usually has to do with safety or control or fear. Typically, fear of change. And if you don't, if you choose not to hear their words as, "God, I cannot believe they want to vote for that person." Instead, you hear it as they're afraid of change. They have a fear of this. They have a fear of that.

[00:04:02]It was told to me once that nobody says anything for the purpose of being wrong.

[00:04:08]Nobody has an opinion, gives an opinion for the purpose of being wrong. Even the people who begin with, you know, I could be wrong about this. They never think they're wrong about it, do they? No.

[00:04:20]They always think that they're right.

[00:04:22]And if you go from that mindset, instead of looking at the tip of the iceberg, instead of the tops of the trees, you're looking at the roots of what is the need. It's their need for safety for people around them, for their own safety. Usually it is all based in fear and that or what their value is and how for kids or for their life or how people should do and and and live and things that really should have no effect on them whatsoever, but yet they've decided they're going to have a big opinion on it right now. What you're hearing is fear of change. Things should be better.

[00:04:55]They were always better back in the day.

[00:04:57]If it was just how it was back when I was a kid, it's always the fear of change. This is never a topic that's going to expire. So, how do you talk to somebody you're never going to agree with at any level? Don't argue the opinion. That's going to go nowhere.

[00:05:13]Instead, identify the need. What does that sound like, Jefferson? What does that sound like? It sounds like you saying, "Hey, I I agree this is worth talking about. You know what? I I can hear that you really care about the safety of this. I can hear you. you you don't want things to to change. Or maybe it's as simple as I hear that safety is a big thing for you. I hear that this political ideal is important to you. I hear how the future of this country is important to you. how you begin to [snorts] simply acknowledge the need rather than arguing the opinion.

[00:05:59]Another one, it sounds like you really care about this. It sounds like you really care about this. And you know they're going to say, "Yeah, yeah, I really do." And all of a sudden, you're going to start to break down that it's it's a deeply rooted need that they have typically for control. That's that's what you're hearing. Don't argue the opinion. Don't even address that.

[00:06:20]Instead, identify the need. Ways that I even like to I explain that is I might say I agree, but I go macro, not micro.

[00:06:30]So, I might say I agree this is worth talking about. I I agree that's one way to look at it. I agree that's an opinion. [clears throat] Or I might say that's helpful to know.

[00:06:39]That's well, you know what? That's helpful to know. Or I might thank them.

[00:06:42]Hey, well, thank you for sharing that.

[00:06:45]You see, I'm not having to agree with anything that they said. I'm just acknowledging the need that they have.

[00:06:51]That is deeply rooted need. If you only respond to the opinion, they will argue you forever. If you only disagree or argue the opinion, they will push it forever. I can promise you that is a conversation at the dinner table that will last months, if not years, if you continue to push on that. But if you identify and discuss and talk about the need, the issue underneath, you can actually make progress. You can actually make progress. That's where you want to go. Number two, be more interested in understanding rather than proving.

[00:07:30]Proving is this mindset of no, you have to agree with me. No, I have to make you understand my way. You know what? I I can't even I I can't even wrap my mind around how you could possibly think this. Are you kidding me? You actually think, is that ever going to make anybody agree with you? Whenever you come on the offensive to prove something where you go, are you kidding me? Do you really believe this?

[00:07:53]The more you tell somebody they're wrong, the more convinced they are that they're right. Or they all of a sudden clam up and go, "Well, I'm not going to share my opinion with you. This is what I believe, so I don't care. Evidence doesn't work. Facts don't work." Why?

[00:08:05]because you're only hitting the opinion.

[00:08:07]You're not identifying the need like we talked about in number one. So, what do you do instead of trying to push push push improve prove? Because you know what that feels like? What does that do?

[00:08:16]That makes you harden even more.

[00:08:18]Instead, ask questions that help open up understanding. These are not questions that begin with why. That will kill it instantly. Why do you think that? Why do you believe that? Yeah. Okay.

[00:08:31]What about anything that challenges the why to make them explain in a defensive posture? But if I begin with what, how, when, where, those are what they call open-ended questions. Open-ended questions. So if I were to say, how long have you felt this this way? Oh, well, you know what? I I felt this the first time in Oh, what what happened there?

[00:08:57]Where? Where did you hear this? You hear how I'm not going, "Yeah, right. Well, okay. You explain to me how X, Y, and Z." That's going to claim up, right? But if I were to say, "Where did you Where did you learn this? How long have you felt that way? And I'm actually interested in understanding." They will explain to you more. And what's going to happen in that thread? you're gonna go, "Ha, okay, there's the the need of something that happened to them probably that they just believe." And sometimes, especially, I would say, in the political area, you you see all this stuff where they like they interview people on the street, right? And they try and catch them on something and they might mention something of a different political candidate and all of a sudden the person who's being interviewed is talking like they know and it's actually inaccurate information.

[00:09:51]It's because people have opinions that are based on feelings, based on the inner needs, not typically based on facts. So that's why evidence doesn't work. Proving to them, saying, "Look at this piece of paper. How could you possibly look at this report that came out?" That doesn't work because it doesn't address the inner need within.

[00:10:13]So, when you ask the open-ending questions to get them to open up to you and help you understand, it helps identify the need and it makes them feel acknowledged. It deescalates the situation and it helps have a productive conversation that actually moves rather than just creating a big mess where somebody has to get up from the table and walk away because you know what? I'm over this. You're never going to change.

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[00:12:02]And now back to the episode. Number three, water your own garden. Water your own garden. I I I love this illustration in my mind because so much peace can be had. If if you're somebody who gardens, you know what kind of peace that brings up? We've had gardens. Um and it is you tend to it, you pay attention to it, you protect it, and you water it. And so much of conversation is understanding.

[00:12:33]I can only tell it to you. I can't understand it for you. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to water my own garden. Meaning I'm going to make sure my people are protected. By protecting my peace, I also protect my people. The people who care about me, the people that need me in the right state of mind, who who need me to be present.

[00:12:53]If I am so worked up about opinion of yours that that will have no impact on my life whatsoever at this meal or at this gathering, right? I'm I'm I've lost sight of the fact that I have a beautiful garden. If I start arguing against your opinion, what I do is I get my water hose and I'm all of a sudden I'm trying to water yours when they've planted bad seed. And what's that going to grow? It's going to grow thorns. It's going to grow animosity. It's going to grow contempt. And all of a sudden, what could have been a five-minute conversation of acknowledging the differences, there is now five years of estrangement. That's what happens.

[00:13:32]That's how quick it happens when you understand that they can have their own opinion and have their garden. Let let them have it and you have yours. So, you can hear conversations from them and say, "You know what?

[00:13:48]I'm not trying to change your mind." Or, "You know what? I know I'm not going to change your mind. I just want to hear what you have to say or I appreciate what you're sharing. I know we're not going to see the eye to eye on this, but you know what? We do make eye to eye on whatever topic that you know that you agree on. Choosing when to go into that conversation knowing when to get out of it. Usually we just get very stubborn.

[00:14:11]We get really stubborn and we try to go to number two. We just prove proof proof proof and that does nothing. So remember when it comes to watering your own garden that there will be an end to the conversation and there certainly can be a place for meaningful dialogue. What I playfully like to say is if somebody is trying to have some kind of conversation with me whether it's it's if it's something I know I disagree with, I might easily say, you know what, I'd rather hear about you. They ask me a question that's kind of sent to te me up. It's me saying, "Well, I'd rather hear about you." Nobody gets mad if I suggest talking about themselves. I've never had that once. They go, "Oh." They kind of laugh as if like, "All right, I understand. We're not going to go there." And sometimes, you know, even like my grandparent, my grandfather, you know, he will try and spark these arguments just for fun. They can get me really worked up and doesn't bother him at all. Maybe you can relate to that.

[00:15:12]And it's me having to choose to just water my own garden. I love him. I'll always love him. That doesn't mean that I have to agree with everything that he says. Okay, what do we got? Number one, don't argue the opinion. Identify the need. Go deeper. Number two, instead of talking to prove, talk and respond to understand.

[00:15:35]Again, we're going layer to layer to layer. And number three, water your own garden. Protect your own peace. Don't be walking over and start trying to pick their weeds. All right? Water your own garden. That's the key to a lot of peace in your life. All right? I hope you have a wonderful [snorts] holiday season. I know that's coming up on us. And if somebody is talking about something you completely disagree with on every level, remember this episode. So you can try that and follow