The Cosmic Slop: Space Traders and the Politics of Alien Encounters

[00:00:12]you must stand turn it off the pollak formed further than the Outer Limits deep deep ability in the black hole fill your mind and your ass will follow because once you've passed the point of no return you are caught in the cosmic [Music] they call me the doctor I'm a hit me around here how're you staying I got the black hole way of strangers bearing gifts there may be strings attached and what might be spraying for some maybe a noose for others let me show you what I mean Bernie some of these people have been out here since 2 o'clock this morning so the aliens aren't scheduled to arrive before noon but as you can see the crowd is getting pretty excited as america prepares for its first encounter with space since NASA went bankrupt back in 1998 it's quite a circus Thank You Stryker of course we will go back to Plymouth Rock the moment the aliens are sighted in other news the Environmental Protection Agency has added Hartford Connecticut to its list of cities to be evacuated by years in our citizen levels there have topped those found in Baltimore last year the gap between blacks our is in white widen wait something's now happening at Plymouth Rock Stryker as you can hear Bernie there's definitely something going on now we can't see anything yet but this humming is definitely growing louder you know ever since the aliens signal was first received some three months ago speculation has run rampant as genera [Music] amazing an unbelievable sight to my left I see vice-president D'Amato and Secretary of State Buchanan approaching the microphone for those of you are concerned president Taylor Flores is safe and secure in an undisclosed bunker until it's determined whether alien posed any threat hello [Music] can you understand I'm the vice president we are speech traders very exquisite gifts they'll restore your nation just former glory nearly limitless quantities of gold and precious metals that will instantly erase your deficit machines that will renew your rivers and your air cold fusion technology for a safe cheap and inexhaustible source of energy all we ask in return is the delivery to our vessels five days from now every child woman and man in your nation with at least 2,500 milligrams of melanin in their skin per square centimeter what the hell is melon them put more simply and trade for solving all your most pressing domestic catastrophes we are asking for every person in your country if you would classify is black no we are not what are you gonna do with well that does not concern you we give you five days to decide and the offer is non-negotiable we will not try to coerce you in any way yeah I hope we can do some business together we went all this time for a [ __ ] UFO and they come here with this it's all [ __ ] right maybe maybe this day it's gonna go down in history and then to poverty and a pollution cheap unlimited energy for every American sounds like a hell of a reelection platform Sam I have to go on record as saying this is crazy but but what well welfare rolls would be cut 40% food stamps Medicare drug abuse programs slashed may I add something mr. president you know if I could guarantee the prosperity of this great country by giving life or taking off of those space traitors I do so without a moment's hesitation you know the Secretary's courage is not unlike that American men and women have exhibited when called to military service and what some go more willingly than others but almost all go with the knowledge that they might never come back I don't believe what I'm hearing doesn't anybody to see a downside to this you know Casper's absolutely right the guilt that many whites would feel for sending the blacks away could take a severe psychological toll with medical costs possibly reaching astronomical levels this is madness our military services would be decimated depleted of 30% of our manpower but with unlimited energy think of the weapons you could create mr. president Sam you were elected by the slimmest of margins your african-american vote was key I don't expect them to be thrilled but can I put this delicately their future electoral clout is going to be severely limited let's be honest do you really think the aliens will treat them worse than we have now the real issue here is spin control the decision has to be the will of the people and that the administration policy how about a national referendum have NCI fire up a couple of those yes and no 900 numbers I'll be damned we're on to something here professor Golightly you look like you want to say something gentlemen gentlemen gentlemen as you know mr. president I have been a lifelong card-carrying Republican I feel I was instrumental in your moderate wing wrestling control of the party from religious extremists I have often supported this administration's repealed of affirmative action legislation not protested its decreasing handouts to the poor and in helping you undermine these policies I realize that your reasons for doing so differed from mine and yet I was always a good soldier for the party I sincerely believed and still believe like people need to learn how to stand on their own two feet without their crutches of governmental legislation but I'm afraid I must protest in the strongest terms possible what I've heard in this room today what is being proposed cannot be passed off euphemistically as Selective Service at its best it is group banishment and its worst it is utter and complete extermination wait wait wait did I miss something who said anything about exterminate the space traders seem perfectly nice and civil their planet might be one great big Club Med for all we know Sam we do not even know if these creatures can deliver on their end you and I play poker together what if there is good at bluffing as you are now you whistling Dixie I look like a damn idiot if the aliens took off and left me nothing but Pig back at tortilla chips we'll ask him for peek at the goodies and if they're not de-essing we'll schedule a national referendum on the night before their deadline call up MCI ask him to fire up to yes and no 900 numbers [Music] yes stop to me well first of all I just like to say I love your shoulder G I watch it every day but my comment is to get a free ride someplace else yes the free ride is spent it's the return ticket I'm worried about okay well that it looks like your chickens are finally coming home to roost look Little Miss militant I mean give dad a break all right how was he supposed to know besides I'm sure this will all blow over in a couple of days right the black psychic who says he's had his bags packed for three years stay with us [Applause] officials estimate the value of the gold at over 15 trillion dollars enough not only to pay off the federal deficit but also to give every American every remaining American a tax free year this just in alien craft vacuumed the air over Denver and Los Angeles smog levels are reported and zero and live from Chicago our news team is sending these pictures from Lake Michigan [Music] Guinea Hill if you aren't a sight for sore eyes glenda sends her regards good job got a professor Travis is one of Millie's pups George gave them to me right in the election you know this goes through it's it's not gonna be easy drop it boy some folks might fight it like the LA riots look like a slumber party president needs you sign and aboard this thing professor if you lobby on our side and the trade is approved our president promises that he's gonna see to it that a hundred black families are smuggled England you can drop the list [Music] what's it worth I bet he had a lot of words yeah yeah not sure what they mean but he said that they'll smuggle us to England if I lobby on his side so what did you tell him [Music] I'm not sure Gail that they even need my help given the state of black leadership [Applause] Oh No the boycott I'm struggle look my friends very little is being accomplished here today rather they tried this once before but I pledge to you that hundreds of thousands of Jews will not allow another final solution in this country not now not ever [Applause] latest tracking polls indicate support of the trade at 40% the melanin content of 25 hundred milligrams per square centimeter that the traders requested roughly corresponds to a light brown skin complexion dr. Eric Fannin of johns - no excuse me doctor for known will explain doctor the amount of melanin in one skin varies according to how dark or tan we might be at twenty-five hundred milligrams per square centimeter corresponds to the darkness of Oh what I'd say to be an ordinary paper bag [Applause] thank you doctor in other news government sources confirm that France England and Germany have offered their blacks as well but the alien spokesperson is quoted as saying maybe next time all I'm saying is is trying anyway my god it was at the last box in the store and I just thought wow yes sir and I'm taking all my sisters with me too so they don't tell him what kind of electricity remaining I'm gonna have on them chips cause you know it's black folks we don't like arriving no well nappy hit it so you really think they're gonna send this away and I told you the one about the American dream that's what all the [ __ ] swimming back to Africa what did you on the each arm but you know piggy we could fight back like the Palestinians rocks and guns [ __ ] please like I'm gonna get myself killed just to stay here I just hope they got them little bottles of Remy Martin on the flight got the hell my Remy Martin rich folks are crazy please this is crazy if the president didn't listen why should they because they're Cathy's first Caucasian second [Music] black people have been calling me an Oreo ever since I was 12 after tomorrow they'll call me a hero you could we live with ourselves if I help them send like people away call you tonight [Music] gentlemen first of all thank you for coming now I suppose you the rank-and-file American this unholy offer by the aliens must seem like an answer to their wildest dreams it seems to me however upon further reflection that this trade could bring our nation nothing a disaster is right but I don't want you to take my word for it because after all I come from a very obvious self-interest Leland why don't you tell the rest of the boys how this trade would affect your distilleries black string 33% of my hard liquor 48% of my cognac alone who's gonna take up that slack why it'll decimate athletic shoe sales cool and Newport cigarettes pork 15% of our best consumers gone like that and we have the oil companies employ over 12 million peoples worldwide ah the alien inexhaustible energy source will wipe us out overnight furthermore the blacks are all gone how long do you think poor whites will stand being at the very bottom of the barrel we'll have a revolution before the years out we've got to tell those little green men to go back where they came from excellent gentlemen excellent now I believe that this room represents a few trillion dollars in assets I propose that we mount the largest ad campaign this nation has ever seen we buy up every minute of radio and TV airtime every print ad every billboard even every goddamn bus bench and we flood them with the anti trade message it's save our soul mommy this isn't happy mrs. Ruth migrate we all maybe she's the clean white folks houses on the mainline in Philadelphia told me they may not like us okay sure can't live with us don't worry watermelons clean their houses marry actor George Hamilton vowed today he too will go [Music] do you know that the african-americans won over 500 of 850 Olympic medals awarded to ninth day yes [Music] oh hello everybody thank you my name is casey kasem and welcome to alien trade referendum just say can you imagine life without jazz but without the Blues Oh without rock'n'roll well that's what life would have been like in these United States without the contributions of African Americans referendum passes and we vote to send dark-skinned people up into outer space I'll tell you one thing you can forget about ever seeing another green team again [Applause] [Music] you know we didn't bring it in scientist treat yourself just entertainers yeah okay missus people dig it come on when you pick up your phone to vote in the privacy of your own home my people oh my people the sit-ins and the boycotts have worked we are ahead in the polls don't count your chickens before they come home to roost because become a big Oreo we are ahead in the polls who knows how these people will vote the privacy of their own homes how I am proceed but now is that the time for petty squabbling now this came to me this morning in order to ensure victory we must stop resisting the offer and urged the country to accept the traitors proposition [Applause] major motivation for racism in this country is the deeply held belief that black people should not have anything that white people don't not only do whites insist on better jobs higher incomes better neighborhoods better schools but they leap to gobble up our language our dress our music and our dance I promote that from now until the polls open this evening we circulate the rumor that the aliens have arranged for our transport to the wealthiest and most beautiful utopia in the known universe white folks will go ape wondering what we will encounter in this new land they will last their teeth they will even IQ the to limit the space traders offered to blacks is an unconstitutional discrimination against whites cannot stand here any longer and be influenced by a man who has dedicated his entire life to sabotage his own people now is not the time for trickery and tom foolery mappy mad people were brought here involuntarily and involuntarily is the only way they're gonna take me out [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] well today is the day of reckoning for 20 million Americans of African descent voting will begin in just a few seconds from now as you know two telephone numbers will appear on your screen one in favor and one against the space traders offered after darling the number of your choice simply key in your personal security code here ladies and gentlemen are the two numbers the polls will remain open for the next three hours but we should be able to project a decision very shortly what hmm ladies and gentlemen with just six percent of the vote tallied we project that the referendum will pass by a comfortable margin god collection centers will be set up tomorrow morning by the National Guard the aliens say that the alien said they will allow only one piece of carry-on luggage per person Oh Hey this is Bernard shields goodbye mom dad say you just we're gonna do something I mean can we get across the border or get guns for everybody no Jennifer stop selling guns to us yesterday two days ago they quadrupled the border guards you and well you and he did pledge the same fraternity he just killed morning Gayle boy if you aren't a sight for sore eyes Linda sends her regards England promise is a promise [Music] [Applause] right here that's you Gail [Music] promise is a promise [Music] [Music] [Music] you knew it was hopeless as soon as the idea was out of the bag Enya [Music] all right people off the bus and onto me [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] and so as we say goodbye to our dark friends and neighbors we say hello to a new era of American peace and prosperity for world news now I'm striker Oh [Music] every bargain in a bargain America candlelit the brothers or sisters death let me see if I can call them aliens back how about telling we having a one-cent sale they can get the rest of y'all floppy the divine is beyond the power of words to define but some people think that if you name it you can claim it when that happens don't get caught in the middle that's about to happen to this young priest he's about to get caught in the middle of the cosmic