5 Signs of Disorganized Anxious Avoidant Attachment

[00:00:00]CEUs are available at AllCEUs.com/Attachment-CEU hi there everybody and welcome to this  video on five signs of disorganized or what some people call anxious avoidant  attachment i'm your host dr donnelly snipes person with disorganized attachment often  has a lot of characteristics that may be similar to borderline personality or codependency so  it's important to recognize that dysfunctional attachment may lead to the development  of those types of personality traits so let's take a look at disorganized attachment  the person with disorganized attachment can be clingy or controlling and need reassurance but  can turn on a dime to be dismissive and avoidant when abandonment anxiety is triggered these  are people who've experienced inconsistencies and often chaotic abusive neglectful environments  throughout their life no matter how old they are so their hpa access or their stress  response system is already dysregulated so they tend to just go from flat or numb  or you know i'm kind of okay with things too terrified furious frantic like that  so when the person senses that they may be getting ready to be rejected they go from  being clingy and need needed and and trying to make that relationship last to okay fine you're  not worth my effort they just shut it off they often are hyper vigilant to rejection  so they have rejection sensitivity well in the past when certain things happened  it indicated that they were going to be rejected and when they were were rejected that  meant they didn't get their needs met and that can be devastating physically as well as  emotionally for children they may not communicate their thoughts wants and needs but then feel  rejected or neglected when their thoughts wants and needs are not met so there's a part of them  that says people should meet my thoughts wants and needs that's how it's supposed to go but  then there's another part of them that says it's not safe to communicate my thoughts wants  and needs so they're constantly in this sort of double bind in their own head people with  disorganized attachment often experience emotional dysregulation they go from flat to  frantic or flat to furious like that largely because their stress response system has become  dysregulated and they never developed the skills and tools to identify and modulate their emotions  there was nobody there to teach them these skills so as a result when they dysregulate they  are often inconsolable they don't want to be held they don't want to be comforted  they are just feeling out of control and they don't know what's going to help  them feel safe and in control again during these episodes of emotional dysregulation  they may exhibit impulsive or aggressive behaviors a lot of times these behaviors are towards  self they may become impulsive and just say okay we're breaking up you did something  i think you're getting ready to abandon me so we're breaking up it's done goodbye that's  impulsive or they may become uh self-damaging in their behaviors whether they start drinking  or using or engaging in non-suicidal self-injury what causes disorganized attachment well it's  anxious avoidant so it's kind of the worst of both parenting styles that can develop  that that create insecure attachment these caregivers are often insensitive rejecting  and inconsistent in their behaviors but they're also they often also tend to be much more  aggressive they found those with disorganized attachment often grew up in households where  there was overt aggression now it could have been verbal it may not have been physical but  there was a lot of chaos and a lot of fear the parents lacked awareness of or responsiveness  to the child's needs they didn't encourage the child they wouldn't help with difficult tasks or  when they would try to help with difficult tasks they would just get frustrated if the child didn't  pick it up right away they would get frustrated and they may scold the child or tell the child  that they're stupid or some other permutation so the child learns that i'm not good enough they  off often blamed the child for their own emotions they contributed to an environment in which  there was a lack of safety and comfort sometimes they would verbally comfort  and physically reject the child saying oh it's okay i'm not gonna touch you but it's  okay or they would physically comfort the child but yell at them at the same time so  they would physically comfort them while telling them how useless they were or  they'd comfort them briefly and if that didn't work like that they would start shaming  the child for expressing their emotions or other times they would respond appropriately  to the child's needs and then the next three times they wouldn't even notice that the child  had needs they'd completely ignore them so the child never knew what to expect when they  had a need they didn't know if it would get met if it would get met for a minute and then they  would be shamed they didn't know what was going on and in these situations the parents often  still had unrealistic expectations for independence and performance and communicated  to the child that they were never good enough always too needy and were the caregivers  rejected them for those things interventions mindful journaling about the  facts in the present context this is the same intervention that we use for every single  insecure attachment style because it's important for people to start recognizing what's going on  now versus what i'm expecting to be happening based on my prior experiences so what's going on  now in this context with this person what are the facts what do i know versus what am i assuming  engage in mindful non-judgmental journaling and if there's somebody safe to talk with  discussion about thoughts and feelings the person who's disorganized in their attachment is like  the person who's avoidant often very unaware of their own thoughts wants and needs so it's going  to be important for them to reconnect the person with anxious attachment has also been so busy  trying to focus on appeasing the other person that even if they knew what their thoughts wants and  needs were they ignored them so for all of these people it's important to start connecting and  becoming aware of your thoughts wants and needs it's important for every attachment style  to become aware of your triggers things that happen in the present that make you feel like  you're back in the past or things that happen happen in the present that you assume are  going to play out a certain way because of the way they played out in the past those are  your triggers those are the things that trigger your abandonment anxiety trigger your insecurity  and those are the things that you need to process in terms of the present moment the facts  in this context with this person but also in the past to grieve those to process those  to recognize what was going on back then and come to some sort of resolution so that they  don't have as much power over you in the present developing those distress tolerance skills  including distress tolerance thoughts activities like slow breathing or grounding to help trigger  the relaxation response guided imagery to help yourself feel like you're in a safer place  and sensations to help kind of jolt you from one thing that is feeling overwhelming to  something else that is powerful yet controllable take steps to develop friendships  with other people and this is going to be a slow going process because your  history has taught you that people are not trustworthy at the very least and people can be  threatening abusive and neglectful at the worst so it's going to take time to  develop friendships however it's important to start making these steps  if you want to start healing your attachment issues if you if you're not ready to do that  then that is your call you're in control of what happens but when you're ready to start  addressing attachment issues if you ever get there it's going to be important to  actually connect with other people to start learning how to develop these  relationships and it's going to be important to respect boundaries while getting reassurance  or giving reassurance that is not rejection if the videos on this channel have  been helpful for you please support us in our mission to make high quality  practical content available to everyone you can donate at doc snipes dot com slash donate  join the youtube channel at doc snipes dot com slash join or you can purchase a thanks on  any videos that are particularly helpful disorganized attachment is one of three types of  insecure attachment that may have developed as a result of insensitive and rejecting parenting  the person who has disorganized attachment often is unaware or dismissive of their thoughts  wants and needs until there's a crisis and then they feel angry and overwhelmed they've often  never felt safe in the world in their own skin because their emotions always felt like  they were overwhelming and out of control or with other people because other people have  either ignored them abused them or neglected them they often have a low frustration  tolerance because they've never had support and assistance in accomplishing something  that was difficult they may have low self-esteem and are prone to emotional dysregulation  going from flat to frantic or flat to furious changing disorganized attachment requires that  the person feel safe in the present context they need to feel like they're in  the driver's seat they need to feel like they have control over how much they tell  other people and how far they go and how fast they need to start recognizing  how their relationship behaviors developed as a result of trying to survive a  rejecting neglectful or abusive environment they need to learn how to start recognizing and  having compassion for their own thoughts wants and needs instead of judging themselves or ignoring  themselves recognizing and having compassion going okay this is scary for you all right it is  what it is now what can we do about it they need to develop emotional awareness and regulation  a lot of people in disorganized environments it wasn't safe to have feelings to express  feelings so they never learned how to identify feelings put labels on them and go this is anger  this is anxiety so they just have this the feeling that may feel overwhelming sometimes and  sometimes it may even come out as bodily or somatic experiences instead of what people often  label as anger or depression it may come out as impulsivity or fatigue or aggression helping  people develop this emotional awareness can help them start developing the tools  they need to regulate those emotions and finally they need to learn how to develop  intimacy and a genuine connection with others if this video was helpful consider watching  some of my other videos on abandonment anxiety developing secure attachment complex  post-traumatic stress disorder adverse childhood experiences or  improving your relationship with yourself