Letter to an Unknown Mother: Director Interview at DMZ Docs 2025

The Primal Wound theory, developed by Nancy Verrier, proposes that adoptees experience profound grief and loss from early separation from their biological parents, creating a cognitive-emotional working model that affects all future relationships; however, this theory has been critiqued for oversimplifying the complex nature of adoption trauma and potentially limiting healing approaches by focusing too heavily on reunion as the primary solution, whereas a more systemic understanding considers how social attitudes, family openness, genetics, and changing life contexts influence adoptee development and healing.

The Primal Wound is a psychological and spiritual wound created when a child is separated from their birth mother at birth, as babies develop a spiritual, physical, and psychological connection during the nine months of gestation; this separation causes abandonment and loss that is imprinted on the unconscious mind, and adoption involves pain for both the child and birth mother that cannot be avoided or denied.

The primal wound is the psychological and emotional trauma experienced by adopted individuals when separated from their birth mothers at birth, creating lasting impacts on identity, self-worth, and relationships that manifest throughout their lives; this concept, validated by adoption research, helps explain why adoptees often struggle with feelings of abandonment, identity issues, and the need for validation, while also highlighting the importance of acknowledging adoption as a loss rather than just a positive family-building experience.

The primal wound theory, developed by adoption expert Nancy Verrier, explains that adoptees experience profound psychological effects from the inability to properly psychologically separate from their birth mothers during the critical first year of life, when attachment and trust develop. Unlike physical separation (the umbilical cord cutting), psychological separation takes time to complete, and when this process is disrupted by adoption, adoptees carry implicit memories of absence that manifest as core beliefs like 'I'm not okay' or 'it must be my fault my mother left me.' These unspoken experiences create lifelong challenges including difficulties with attachment, identity issues, and behavioral problems that are not intentional but rather coping mechanisms for unresolved trauma. Understanding this helps explain why adoptees may struggle with feelings of emptiness, different rhythms in relationships, and why both adoptees and adoptive parents often feel disconnected without understanding the underlying cause.

McDaniel explains how mother hunger connects to attachment theory: securely attached adults (50% of population) don't experience it, anxiously attached adults resonate with it, avoidantly attached adults don't because they view themselves as needless, and disorganized attachment adults experience third-degree mother hunger. She references Hope Edelman's 'Motherless Daughters' describing arrested development in adult women who transfer mother needs onto other things. Dr. Pauline Boss's 'ambiguous loss' concept explains how living mothers who don't behave maternally create similar symptoms as losing mothers entirely. Eleanor Oliphant's statement that 'loneliness is the new cancer' is central to understanding mother hunger, as shame prevents discussion of this universal problem.

When creating media centered on adoptee experiences, filmmakers must actively consult and involve adoptees in the creative process to ensure authentic representation, as historical patterns of having non-adopted individuals tell adoption stories have reinforced overly positive, simplified narratives that fail to capture the complex, often painful realities of the adoptee experience.

Asian adoptee artistic contributions have challenged institutional narratives by centering adoptee experiences. Filmmaker DN Borscht, whose adoption was arranged by ISS USA, created documentaries exploring institutional records' roles in her life history. Her films examine racial difference and the unequal political economy of international adoption. Since the 1970s, international adoption has grown into a global industry, with diverse sending and receiving countries. Spain nearly tripled adoptions by 2004, becoming the second-largest receiver after the US. Most adoptees are now adults forming new kinship networks through organizations and artistic expression. Vietnamese adoptee artists like Jared Rehberg use music to express visibility and agency, while comics like 'Adopted' explore shared experiences through humor as a healing mechanism.

The adoption constellation refers to the interconnected community of adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and the broader adoption industry. Historically, media representation was limited primarily to adoptive parents' voices. With the rise of digital conversations and social media, this aperture is widening to include more diverse voices, particularly adoptees and birth parents. Birth parents like Caitlin and Tyler Baltierra, stars of Teen Mom, have been among the first reality TV figures to share their adoption journeys on national television, sparking national conversations about open adoption and birth parent experiences.

This video analysis by adoptee hosts explores how the 2003 film 'Elf' represents adoption themes, examining key concepts including late discovery adoptees (who learn they are adopted after everyone else knew), transracial adoptees (TRA), and transnational adoptees (TNA). The hosts critique the film's portrayal of adoption, including its use of the term 'adopted parents' (which they argue should be 'adoptive parents'), the perpetuation of adoptee infantilization, and the representation of biological parent fantasies. They also discuss how the film reflects broader societal stereotypes about adoptees, including assumptions about instability and the perpetuation of adoptees as 'perpetual children' regardless of age.

Adoptees often feel isolated because they cannot see their stories represented in media. When adoptees see themselves in films like this one, they feel validated and less alone. The film provides a space for difficult conversations about adoption that adoptees may not be comfortable having with their adoptive families. This representation helps adoptees process their experiences and find community.

This segment chronicles the ongoing battle for adoptee rights and open records. Oregon pioneered this movement in 1998 with Measure 58, becoming the first state allowing adult adoptees access to original birth records. This success stemmed from Oregon's progressive values and lack of strong religious opposition. The movement faces significant resistance from Catholic and evangelical influences in other states, with some states like Texas maintaining closed records. The core ethical question centers on the impossibility of guaranteeing perpetual confidentiality versus the fundamental right of adult adoptees to access their own stolen identities. Modern DNA testing has transformed reunion possibilities, connecting people separated for decades. The fight continues nationally, representing a broader civil rights struggle for transparency and family connection.

Adoptees have a fundamental right to access their complete birth records and medical history, which is essential for understanding their identity, lineage, and health information; this access should be protected by city and state governments to ensure adoptees can make informed healthcare decisions and connect with their biological heritage.

There were many lawsuits against Louise Wise Services in the late 1990s through the early 2000s because of the lies they told to so many people. These lawsuits eventually caused secretive adoption to fall out of favor, and Louise Wise went bankrupt in 2004. Many other adoption agencies shuddered because this business model was unsustainable. There have been huge adoptee rights activist movements that are robust in every state, but it is a long haul with many institutions trying to squash the movement. In states where it is still difficult to locate lost sons, daughters, or birth parents (California, Texas, Florida, Minnesota, Maryland, Connecticut, Virginia), there is a lot of resignation about not being able to resolve lifelong longing. DNA is a powerful tool for helping people find distant relatives, but not everybody wants to turn a vial of saliva over to big tech. The truth is better than not knowing the truth, even when it is difficult to integrate into one's sense of self. For people considering adoption now, the most ethical approach is to make things as transparent and open as possible.

The adoption reform movement, sparked by Florence Fischer's 1972 classified ad in the New York Times seeking her biological mother, emerged as a grassroots effort to challenge the widespread practice of sealing adoption records, which prevented birth parents and adoptees from accessing their complete family histories; this movement gained momentum through public testimony, media exposure, and legislative advocacy, ultimately leading to gradual changes in adoption laws across the United States, though the fight for universal access to original birth records continues today.

This extended discussion covers modern adoptee activism's focus on institutional accountability and practical tools for advocacy. Organizations work to institutionalize cultural resources for adopted children and advocate for access to original birth records as human rights. Key strategies include building learning communities, connecting with agency alumni, engaging legislative advocacy around citizenship acts, and using artistic expression to reclaim narratives. The segment also addresses language reform in adoption discourse, replacing judgmental terms with inclusive alternatives.