The Bald Soprano: Ionesco's Absurdist Theatre of the Absurd – Live Performance

[00:00:16][Music] o [Music] there it's 9:00 we've dropped the soup and eaten the fishing chips and the English salad the children have drunk English water we've dined well this evening that's because we live in the suburbs of London and because our name is e potatoes are very good fried in fat the salad oil was not granted the oil from the grosser at the corner is better quality than the oil from the grosser across the street it is even better quality than the oil from the grer at the bottom of the street however I prefer not to tell them that the oil is bad however the oil from the coer at the corner is still the best Mary did the potatoes very well this evening the last time she did not do them well I do not like them when they are well done fish was fresh it made my mouth water I had two hel pits no three hel pits that made me go to the WC you also had three helpings however the third time you took a great deal less than the first two times whereas for me I took a great deal more I eat better than you this evening why is that usually it is you who eat more it is not appetite you like still the soup was perhaps a little too salt it was saltier than new ha it also had too many leaks and not enough onions I regret that I didn't advise Mary add some an seed Stars the next time I'll know better our little boy wanted to drink some beer he's going to love getting Tilly he's like you at table did you see how he stared at the bottle but I pulled some water from The Jug into his glass he was thirsty and he drank it Helen is like me she's a good manager Thrifty plays the piano she never asks to drink English Beer she's like our little daughter who drinks only milk and eats only porridge it's obvious that she's only two her name's Peggy the Quinton bean pie was marvelous it would have been nice perhaps to have had a small glass of Australian burgundy with the sweet but I did not bring the bottle to the table because I did not want to set the children a bad example of gluttony they must learn to be sober and temperate Mrs Parker knows a Romanian grer by the name of pople Rosenfeld who has just come from Constantinople he's a great specialist in yogurt he has a diploma from the school of yogurt making in Adrian opal tomorrow I shall buy a large pot of native Romanian yogurt from here one does not often find such things here in the subs of London y good is excellent stomach the kidneys the appendicitis and apotheosis it was Dr McKenzie King told me that he's the one who takes care of the children of our neighbors the JNS he's a good doctor one can trust him he never prescribes any medicine that he has not tried out on himself first for example when he operated on Parker he had his own liver operated on first although he was not in the least bit ill how does it happen that the doctor pulled through while Parker died because the operation was successful in the doctor's case and it was not in Parker well the McKenzie is not a good doctor the operation should have succeeded with both of them or else both should have died why conscientious doctor must die with his patient if they can't get well together the captain of a ship goes down with his ship into the Briney deep he does not survive alone one cannot compare a patient to a ship why not your ship has its diseases too moreover your doctor is as hair as a ship that's why should have perished at the same time as his patient like the captain and his ship I hadn't thought of that and then what conclusion do you draw from this all doctors are quacks and all patients too only the Royal Navy is honest in England but not Sailors naturally there's something I don't understand in the newspaper they always give the age of deceased persons but never the age of the newly born that doesn't make sense I never thought of that [Music] [Music] says here that Bobby Watson died good God the poor man when did he die why you pretend to be astonished you know very well he's been de these past two years surely remember we attend this funeral a year and a half ago oh yes of course I do remember I remembered it right away but what I don't understand is why you yourself were so surprised to see it in the paper it wasn't in the paper it's been 3 years since his death was announced I remembered it through an association what a Pity he was so well preserved he was the handsomest corpse in Great Britain he didn't look his age poor Bobby dead for four years and he was still warn veritable living corpse and how cheerful he was poor Bobby which poor Bobby do you mean it is his wife that I mean she is called Bobby too Bobby one since they both had the same name you could never tell one from the other when you saw them together it was only after his death that you could really tell which was which and even today there are still people who confuse her with the deceased and offer their condolences to him do you know her I only met her once by chance at Bobby's burial I've never seen her is she pretty she has regular features yet one cannot say that she is pretty she is too big and stout her features are not regular but still one can say that she is very pretty she's a little too small and too thin she's a voice [Music] teacher and when do they plan to be married those two next spring at the latest we shall have to go to their wedding I suppose we shall have to give them a wedding present I wonder what what about one of the seven silver salvas which were given out for our wedding and which have never been the slightest use to us I sad for have been left a wiow so young fortunately they they had no children oh that was all the the children huh poor woman how could she have managed she's still young she might very well Remar she look so well in mour but who would take care of the children you know very well they have a boy and a girl what are the names Bobby and Bobby like their parents Bobby Watson's Uncle old Bobby Watson is a rich man and very fond of the boy he might very well pay for the boy's education that would be proper and old Bobby Watson Bobby Watson's Aunt might very well in her ter P the education of Bobby Watson Bobby Watson's daughter that way Bobby Bobby Watson's mother could remarry has she anyone in mind yes a cousin of Bobby Watson's who Bobby Watson which Bobby Watson do you mean Bobby Watson the son of old Bobby Watson the late Bobby Watson's other Uncle no it's not that one it's someone else it's Bobby Watson the son of old Bob Bobby Watson the late Bobby Watson's Aunt are you referring to Bobby Watson the commercial traveler all the Bobby Watsons are commercial Travelers a difficult trade however they do well with it yes when there's no competition and when is there no competition on Tuesdays Thursdays and Tuesdays n three days a week and what does Bobby Watson do on those three days he rests he sleeps but why doesn't he work on those three days if there's no competition I don't know everything I can't answer all your idiotic questions oh are you trying to humiliate me you know very well that I'm not you men are all alike you sit there all day long a cigarette in your mouth or else you powder your nose and Rouge your lips 50 times a day or else you drink like a fish what would you say you saw men acting like women do smoking all day long powdering ruing their lips drinking whiskey it's nothing to me but if you're only saying that to annoy me I don't care for that kind of joking you know that very well my little ducky dles what a little Spitfire you are you know I already said it as a joke what a ridiculous pan of old luggers we are come let's put out the lights and go bye-byes unmade spent a very lovely Pleasant afternoon went to the cinema a man a film with a woman after the cinema we went and drank some Brandy and milk and read the newspaper and I hope you spent a pleasant afternoon that you went to the cinema with a man and that you drank some Brandy and milk and the newspaper Mr and Mrs Martin your guests are here they were waiting outside for me they d come in without me you were supposed to have dinner with them this evening oh yes so we were expecting them and we were hungry when they failed to put in an appearance we were going to go ahead and have dinner without them we've had nothing to eat all day you should not have gone out but it was you that gave me permission we didn't do it on purpose I bought me a Cher pot my dear Mary please open the door and ask Mr and Mrs Martin to step inside we shall go and change quickly [Music] [Laughter] why have you come so late it is not very polite people should be punctual do you understand well then sit down there now that you've come and wait excuse me Madam but it seems to me unless I am mistaken that I've met you somewhere before I do sir it seems to me that I've met you somewhere before was it by any chance in Manchester that I first caught a glimpse of you madam well that is very possible I'm originally from the city of Manchester but I do not have a good memory sir I cannot say whether it was there that I caught a glimpse of you or not good God how curious I too mam I'm from the city of Manchester that is curious isn't that curious only I Madam I left the city of madchester about 5 weeks ago that is curious how very bizarre I do sir I let the city Manchester about 5 weeks ago Madam I took the 8:30 morning train which arrives in London at 4:45 well that is curious how very bizarre and what a coincidence what same train sir I too good Lord how curious perhaps then Madam if was on the train that I first saw you but it is indeed possible that is not unlikely well is plausible and after all why not but uh I didn't recall it sir I traveled second class there is no second class in England but I always travel second class that is curious how very bizarre and what a coincidence my two sir I traveled second class how curious that is perhaps we met in second class my dear lady well that is very possible and it is not at all unlikely oh but I do not remember very well my dear sir my seat was in coach number eight compartment six my dear lady how curious that is my scene was also in coach number eight compartment 6 my dear sir how curious that is and what a bizarre coincidence perhaps we met in compartment six my dear lady it is indeed possible after all but I do not recall it dear sir to tell the truth my dear lady I do not remember it either but it is possible that we caught a glimpse of each other there and as I think of it it seems to me even very likely oh truly of course truly sir how curious it is I had seat number three next to the window I do oh good lord how car I that bizar I had seat number six next to the window across from you dear sir good God how curious we were then seated facing each other my dear lady perhaps it was there that we have met how curious it is but is possible but I do not recall it to tell the truth my dear lady I do not remember it either however it is possible that we saw each other on that occasion which is true but I'm not at all sure of it sir dear Madam will you not the lady who asked me to place her suitcase in the luggage rack and then who thanked me and gave me permission to smoke but of course it must have been I sir how curious it is how curious it is how what a coincidence curious it is and what a coincidence and well well perhaps it was there that we came to know one another how curious it is and what a coincidence but it is indeed possible my dear sir however I do not believe the time for no do I [Music] [Music] Madam since moving to London I have resided on Bromfield Street my dear lady how curious that is how bizar I too since coming to London I have resided in brafield Street my dear sir how curious that is perhaps we have seen each other on Brownfield Street my dear lady how curious it is but it's indeed possible after all but I do not recall it dear sir I reside at number 19 my dear lady how curious that is well I also reside at number 19 my dear sir how curious that is well then well then well then well then perhaps we have seen each other in that house my dear lady it is indeed possible so I do not recall it my flat is on the fifth floor number eight my dear lady how curious that is good Lord how bizar what a coincidence why you reside on the fifth floor in flat number eight Dear Sir how curious it is how curious it is how curious it is and what's a coincidence in my bedroom there is a bed covered with a green ow that room with the bed and the green ID down is at the end of a corridor between the WC and the bookcase my dear lady oh what a coincidence good Lord what a coincidence my bedroom too has a bed with a green Ida down and it's at the end of the corridor between the WC Dear Sir the bookcase how bizarre curious strange that Madam we live in the same room and we sleep in the same bed oh it is perhaps there that we have met glorious it is what a coincidence it is indeed possible that we have met there and perhaps even last night [Music] I do not call it dear I have a little girl a daughter dear lady she lives with me she's 2 years old blonde has a white eye and a red eye she's very very pretty her name is Alice dear lady what a bizar coincidence I too have a little girl she is to years old has a white eye and a red eye she's very pretty and her name is Alice too dear sir how curious that is and what a coincidence bizarre perhaps they are the same dear lady how curious it is it is indeed possible dear sir [Music] sh [Music] then Madam I believe that there can be no doubt about it I have seen you before and you are my own wife Elizabeth I have found you again Donal it's you darling Donald and Elizabeth are now too happy to hear me so I can let you in on the secret Donald is not Donald Elizabeth is not Elizabeth here is the proof the child which Donald spoke of is not Elizabeth's daughter they're not the same person the child that Donald spoke of has one red eye and one white eye as does Elizabeth whereas Donald's daughter has one white right eye and one left right eye Elizabeth's daughter has one white left eye and one right red eye therefore all of Donald's system of deduction CS when they meet with this last obstacle destroying his theories completely despite the coincidences Donald and Elizabeth not being the parents of the same child are not Donald and Elizabeth he believes in vain that he is Donald she believes in vain in vain that she is Elizabeth he believes in vain that she is Elizabeth she believes in vain that he is Donald they are sadly deceived but who is the true Donald who is the true Elizabeth who has any interest in prolonging this confusion any further I don't know let's not try to know let's leave things as they are my real name is Sherlock Holmes [Music] darling let's forget all that has not passed between us and now that we have found each other again let's try not to lose each other anymore and live as before yes darling good evening dear friends please forgive us for having made you wait so long we thought we should extend you the courtesy to which you are entitled and when we learned that you had been kind enough to give us the pleasure of coming to see us without prior notice we hurried to change for the occasion we've had nothing to eat all day and we've been waiting four whole hours for you why did you come so late h [Music] [Laughter] [Music] oh but uh definitely we all have [Laughter] cods nevertheless it's it's not chilly there's no draft oh no fortunately oh dear oh dear oh dear [Laughter] don't you feel well no he's wet as [Laughter] pants so your age you shouldn't the heart is [Laughter] [Music] Ageless that's right all they say they also say the opposite the truth lies some where between the two that's right since you travel so much you must have many interesting things to tell us my dear tell us what you have seen today oh it's scarcely worth the trouble for no one would believe me we're not going to question your sincerity you will offend us if you think that you will offend them my dear if you think oh well today I witnessed something extraordinary something really incredible tell us quickly my dear oh this is going to be amusing at last well today when I went shopping to buy some vegetables which are gu seem to be dearer and dearer where is it all going to end you shouldn't interrupt my dear it's very rude in the street near a cafe I saw a man probably dressed about 50 years old or not even that you who what who what don't interrupt my dear you're disgusting my dear it was you who interrupted first you Bo [Laughter] what was this man doing well I'm sure you're going to say that I'm making it up he was down on one knee and he was bent over oh yes not possible yes B over I went near to him to see what he was doing B he was fying his shoelace which [Laughter] had if someone else had told me this I'd not believe it what oh once he see seems even more extraordinary when one walks around why just today in the underground I saw a man sitting on a seat reading a newspaper what a character man goodness someone is ringing no must be somebody there I'll go and see nobody no I'm going to give you another another example goodness someone is ringing well must be somebody there I'll go and see no one uh you were saying you were going to give us another example oh yes goodness someone is ringing I'm not going to answer the door again yes but there must be someone there the first time there was no one the second time no one why do you think there's going to be someone there out because someone has rung that's a reason what when one hears a doorbell ring it means someone has run in order to have the door open not always you've just seen otherwise in most cases yes as for me when I go to visit someone I ring in order to be admitted I think that everyone does the same thing each time there a ring there must be someone there that is true in theory in reality things happen differently you have just seen otherwise why is right oh you women you always stand up for each other well I'll go and see you can't say that I'm obstinate but you will soon see that there is no one there you see there's no one there oh these men who always think they're right and who are always wrong [Music] goodness someone is ringing there must be someone there you've seen that it is useless experience teaches us that when one hears the doorbell ring is because there's never anyone there what never that's not entirely very accurate in fact it's false when one hears a doorbell ring it's because there is someone there you won't admit his role my husband is very obstinate too there's someone there that's yes I tell you no in any case you are not going to disturb me again for nothing if you wish to see if there's someone there you can go and look I'll go oh how do you do it's the fire chief ladies and [Laughter] Gentlemen even Mr Smith you appear to be angry you see it's because my wife is a little shrined at having been proved wrong there's been an argument between Mr and Mrs Smith Mr fi this is no business of yours I will thank you not to involve Outsiders in our family arguments oh my dear this is not so serious the fire chief is an old friend of the family his mother CED me and I knew his father he he made me promising my daughter in marriage If Ever I had one and he died waiting that's neither his fault or yours well what is it all about my husband was claiming no it was you who was claiming yes it was she no it was he get excited you tell me Mrs SP well this is how it was it is difficult for me to speak openly to you but a fireman is also a Confessor well then we were arguing because my husband was saying that each time the doorbell rings it is because there is always someone there it is plausible and I was saying that each time the doll Bell Rings it is because there is never anyone there it might seem strange but it has been proven not by theoretical demonstrations but by facts well that's false since the fire chief is here he rang the bell I opened the door and there he was when but just now it was only after the fourth time that you heard the doorbell ring that there was someone there and the fourth time does not count never it is only three times to count Mr fire chief permit me in my turn to ask you several questions go right when I opened the door and saw you it was really you who had rung the Bell yes it was I you were at the door and you rang in order to have the door open I do not deny it you see I was right you hear the doorbell ring that means if someone rang it you certainly can say the fire cheat was not someone not I repeat that I was only speaking of the first three times since the fourth time does not count and when the doorbell rang the first time was it you no it was not I you see the doorbell rang and there was no one there perhaps it was someone else were you standing at the door for a long time 3/4 of an hour and you saw no one no one I am sure of that but and did you hear the Bell when it rang the second time yes and that wasn't I either and there was still no one there victory I was right not so fast and what were you doing at the door nothing I was just standing there I was thinking of many things but the third time it was not you who rang oh yes that was I but when the door was opened nobody was in sight that is because I had hidden [Laughter] myself don't make jokes Mr fire chief this this is too sad in short we still do not know what when the dobell Rings there is someone there or not never anyone always someone I'm going to reconcile you both are part R when the doorbell rings sometimes there is someone other times there is no one seems logical to me I think so too life is very simple really go on and kiss each other we just kissed each other a little while ago they'll kiss each other tomorrow they have plenty of time get the fire CH could you have helped us to settle this please make yourself comfortable take off your helmet and sit down for a while excuse me I I can't stay long I should like to remove my helmet but I haven't time to sit down I must admit that I've come to see you for another reason I'm on official business [Laughter] [Laughter] and what can we do for you Mr P I must beg you to excuse my indiscretion um you don't mind in in front of them see whatever you like we're old friends they tell us everything speak ah well is there a fire here why do you ask us that oh it's because pardon me I have orders to extinguish all the fires in the city all yes all I I don't know I don't think so do you want me to go and look look can't be one here there's no smell of anything burning none at all you don't have a little fire in the chimney something burning in the Attic or the cellar a a little fire just starting at least I'm afraid we don't have anything at the moment I promise you I will notify you when we do have something oh please don't forget it would be a great help that's a promise and that there's nothing burning at at your house I no unfortunately things aren't going so well just now very poorly it's been almost nothing a few Trifles chimney Barn nothing important it doesn't bring in much since there are no returns the profits are now put are very meager times are bad it's true all over SA this year with business and agriculture as it is with fires nothing is prospering no wheat no fires no floods either but there is some sugar that's because it is important H in the case of fires the tariffs are too high not all the same there's the occasional ins fixi where I buy gas but that's unusual too for instance just last week a young woman has fixated herself she had left the gas on had she forgotten it oh no but she thought it was her cone these confusions are always dangerous have you been to see the match dealer there's nothing doing there he was insured against fires why don't you go see the Vicor of Wakefield and um use my name well I don't have the right to extinguish clergyman's fires the bishop would get angry besides they extinguish their fires themselves or else they have them put out by vesle virgins go see the dur I can't do that either he's not English he's only been naturalized and naturalized citizens have the right to have houses but not the right to have them put out if they're burning nevertheless when they set fire to it last year it was put out all the same they did that all by himself clandestinely but it's not I who would report it neither would I Mr F since you have helped us to settle this please stay a little while longer you would be doing us all a great favor shall I tell you some stories oh yes please have Charming of you yes yes some stories and what is even more interesting the firan stories are all true and the B on experience I speak from my own experience truth nothing but the truth no fiction that's right truth is never found in books only in life begin begin be quiet here is beginning pardon me but don't look at me that way you embarrass me you know that I'm shy isn't he Charming [Laughter] I'm going to try to begin anyhow but but promise me that you won't listen but if we don't listen to you we won't hear you I didn't think it that I told you he's just a boy the Sweet Child she not well then the cow and the dog and experimental Fable Once Upon a Time Another cow said to another dog why have you not swallowed your trunk pardon me replied the dog it is because I thought that I was an [Laughter] elephant what is the moral that's for you to find out he's right tell us another the had eaten too much ground glass as a result he was obliged to give birth brought forth a cow into the world however since the calf was male the cow could not call him mama nor could she call him Papa because the calf was too little the calf was then obliged to get married and the registry office carried out all the details completely alamode alamod the TR you've heard that one it was in all the papers it happens not far from our house I'll tell you another the [ __ ] once there was a [ __ ] who wished to play the dog but he had no luck because everyone recognized him right away on the other hand the dog who wish to play the [ __ ] was never [Applause] [Laughter] recognized I'll tell you one the snake and the fox once upon a time a snake came up to a fox and said it seems to me I know you the fox replied me too then said the snake give me some money a fox doesn't give money replied the tricky animal who in order to escape jump down into a deep ravine full of strawberries and chicken honey but the snake was there waiting for him with a Mephisto and [Laughter] laugh the fox pulled out his knife shouting I'm going to teach you how to live and then he talk to flight turning his back but he had no luck the snake was quicker with the well chosen blow of his fist he stropped the fault the middle of his forehead which burst into a thousand pieces while he cried no no four times no I'm not your [Laughter] [Music] daughter interesting it's not bad my congratulations not so good and anyway I've heard it before it's terrible but it wasn't even true yes unfortunately it's your turn my dear oh uh I only know one I'm going to tell it to you it's called the bouquet my wife has always been romantic she's a true English woman here it is Once Upon a Time there was a fiance who gave a bouquet of flowers to his fiance and she said thanks but before she said thanks he without saying another word took back the flowers he had given her in orderorder to teach her a good lesson and he said I take them back he said goodbye and he took the back and he went off in all directions oh Charming you have a wife Mr Smith of whom all the world is jealous it's true my wife is intelligence personified she's even more intelligent than I in any case she's much more feminine everyone says so let's have another one Mr fire chief oh no it's too late tell us one anyway I'm too tired do us a favor I beg you no you have a hot ADV we're sitting on not calls I implore you right he agrees he's going to bore us again no too polite the head C my brother-in-law had on the paternal side a first cousin whose maternal uncle had a father-in-law who paternal grandfather married as his second wife a young Native whose brother he had met on one of his travels a girl of whom he was a n and by whom he had a son who married an Intrepid lady pharmacist who was none other than the niece of an unknown fourth class petty officer of the royal Navy and whose adopted father had an aunt who spoke Spanish fluently and who was perhaps one of the granddaughters of the an engineer who died young himself the grandson of the of a Vineyard which produced mediocre wine but had a second cousin a stay-at home a sergeant major whose son had married a very pretty young woman a devor say whose first husband was the son of a loyal patriot who in the hopes of making his fortune had managed to bring up one of his daughters so that she could marry a courtman who had known Rothchild and whose brother after having changed his trade several times married and had a daughter whose stunted great grand father wore spectacles which had been given him by a cousin of his the brother-in-law of a man from Portugal natural son of a Miller not too badly off whose Foster brother married the daughter of a former Country Doctor Who was himself the Foster brother of the son of a Forester himself the natural son of another former Country Doctor married three times in a row whose third wife I knew that third wife if I'm not mistaken she ate chicken sitting on a hornet's nest [Laughter] it's not the same [Laughter] one as I was saying whose third wife was the daughter of the best Midwife in the reg and who early left a widow oh like my wife had married a glazier who was full of love and had had by the daughter of a station Master a child who had burned his Bridges his Bridges no his bridge game and had married an oyster woman whose father had a brother mayor of a small town who had taken as his wife a blonde school teacher whose cousin a fly fisherman a Fly by Night had married another blonde school teacher named Marie tooo whose brother was married to to another Marine also a blonde school teacher since she's blonde she must be marine and whose father had been raised in Canada by an old woman who was the niece of a priest whose grandmother occasionally in the winter sometimes caught a cod [Laughter] [Applause] it's a curious story almost unbelievable if you catch a cold you better get yourself a cult a useless precaution but absolutely necessary excuse me Mr pief but why did not follow your story very well at the end when we got to the grandmother of the priest I got mixed up one always gets mixed up in the hands of a priest yes Mr fire chief please Begin Again everyone wants to hear I don't know whether I'll be able to I am on official business depends on the time we don't have the time here but the clock yeah it runs badly is contradictory and always indicates the opposite of what the hour really is madam sir what do you want what have you come in here for I hope Madam and Sir will excuse me and these ladies and gentlemen too but I would like I would like to tell you a story myself what is she saying I believe a friend's maid is going crazy she wants to tell us a story too who does she think she is oh why are you butting in this is most uncalled for Mary oh but it is she incredible and you incredible here what does all this mean you know each other and how it's got to see you and last this is too much here in our home in the suburbs of London it's not proper it was she who extinguished my first files and his little fire house if that's the case dear friends these emotions are understandable honorable human all that is human is Honorable well even so I don't like to see it here Among Us she's not been properly brought up oh you have too many prejudices what I think is that a mage after all even though it's none of my business is never anything but a maid even if she can sometimes be a rather good detective let me go oh don't be upset they're not that bad really yes you two are very touching at the same time a little a little yes that's exactly the word a little too exhibitionistic there's a native British modesty forgive me for attempting yet again to Define my thought not understood by foreigners even by Specialists thanks to which if I may thus express myself of course I don't mean to refer to you I was going to tell you don't tell us anything oh yes go my little Mary go quietly to the kitchen and read your poems before the miror you know even though I'm not a maid I'm I also read calls before the mirror this morning when you looked into the mirror you didn't even see yourself that's because I wasn't there yet I can perhaps recite a poem my little Mary you are being frightfully obstinate all right then it's agreed I will St a poem it's called the fire oh in honor of the fire chief [Laughter] the fire the polys were burning in the woods a stone caught fire the castle caught fire the men caught fire the women CAU fire the birds Coss fire the fish caught fire the water caught fire the sky caught fire the ash caught fire the smoke caught fire the fire caught fire everything caught fire fire fire that sent chills up my spine yet there's a certain war in those lines I thought it was marvelous all the same you're exaggerating just a moment I realize all of this is very subjective but this is my conception of the world my world my dream my ideal and now this reminds me that I must leave since you don't have the time here I must tell you that in exactly 34 of an hour and 16 minutes I'm having a fire at the other end of the city consequently I must hurry even though it will be quite unimportant what will it be a little chimney fire oh not even that a straw fire and a little heartburn well sorry to see you go you've been very entertaining thanks you have' passed a truly cartisian Court of an hour speaking of that the bald soprano she always wears her hair in the same Style ah then goodbye ladies gentlemen good luck and good fire let's hope so for everyone I can buy a pocket knife for my brother but you can't buy Ireland for your grandfather one walks on his feet but one Heats with electricity or coal he who sells an ox today will have an egg tomorrow in real life one must look out of the window one can sit down on a chair when the chair doesn't have any but one must always think of everything the steiling is above the floor is below when I say yes it's only a mano speaking do each his own take a circle caress it and it will turn vicious the school Master teaches his pupils to read but the cat suckles for young while they are small nonetheless it was the cow that gave us tals when I'm in the country I enjoy the Solitude and the quiet you're not old enough yet for that Benjamin Franklin was right you are more nervous than he what are the seven days of the week Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday Edward was a clerk his sister Nancy a typist and his cousin William a shop assistant an odd family I prefer a bird in the bush to a sparrow in a barrel rather a Sak in a chalet than gristle in a castle an englishman's home is truly his castle a I don't know enough Spanish to make myself understood I'll give you my mother-in-law's slippers if you give me your husband's coffin I'm looking for a monop fite priest to marry to our maid bread is a staff whereas bread is also a staff and an oak Springs from an oak every morning at dog my uncle lives in the country but that's none of the midwife's business is for writing the cat's for the rat cheese is for scratching car goes very fast but the cook beats better don't Fe turkeys rather Kiss The Conspirator charity begins at home I'm waiting for the aqueduct to come see me at my windmills one can prove that social progress is definitely better with sugar to help with polishing why do not polish spectacles using black wax yeah yes but with money one can buy anything I'd rather kill a rabbit than sing in the garden [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] such Kaka such Kaka such Kaka sucha sucha such Kaka such Kaka Kakak [Laughter] such Cascades of kaka such Cascades of kaka such Cascades of kaka such Cascades of kaka such Cascades of kaka such Cascades of kaka such Cascades of kaka such Cascades of kaka dogs have fleas dogs have fleas Cactus coxic crocus cockaded cockroach in Casa you wouldn't Cas us I'd rather lay an egg in a box than steal an ox oh let me nsh my teeth crocodile let's go slap ulyses I'm going to live in my cabana among my cacao trees cacao trees on cacao Farms don't bear coconuts they Coco cacao trees on cacao Farms don't bear coconuts they yeld cocoa cacao trees on cacao Farms don't bear coconuts they look mice have lice lice have't mice don't Smo my bro don't smooch the brooch groom the goose don't Goose the groom the goose Grooms groom your tooth groom the bridegroom groom the bridegroom S A SC s a douche go take a douche I goo send it who Stoops to my cou who Stoops to blame and I never choose to stoop Robert Brown Robert Browning silly Goble gobblers s Goble gobblers Mar spot the Krish Marty Krishna Mar Krishna Mar the Pope bopes the Pop's got no horoscope the horoscopes bisoke bizar Bak bazooka bizar Bak b a e i o u a e i o u a e i o u hi b c d f g l m n p r s t v WX Z from stage to St from stage to sge it's not that way it's over here it's not that way it's over here it's not that way it's my here it's not that way it's over my here woo [Applause] [Music] [Music] it's 9:00 we've drunk the soup and eaten the fish and chips and the English salad the children of drunk English water we didn't well this evening that's because we live in the suburbs of London and because I potatoes are very good fried in fact salad oil was not rcid the oil from the grocery at the corner is better quality than the oil from the grocery across the street it's even better than the oil from the grocery at the bottom of the street however I prefer not to tell them their oil B however the oil from the grocery at the corn still the best [Applause] [Music] w