Understanding Parasocial Relationships in the Digital Age

[00:00:00]Easily one of my favorite fictional books  is Paper Towns by John Green. I read it at a pivotal moment in my life and it really opened  my eyes to the fact that we’re not just characters in each other’s stories. We all like to think  of ourselves as the protagonist. But everyone else isn’t just an extra in our story, they  also think they’re the protagonist and they have their own motivations for doing things.  And even though deep down we all know that, we still like to attribute their motivations  to us. They’re doing that just to spite me, or they’re wearing that because they know I  like that color. No, in fact they probably weren’t thinking about you at all. This sounds  intuitive, but it took that book for me to realize I had been doing that for most of my life. You  guys aren’t here for me… well okay you’re here for this video r- you guys don’t exist just  for… can we just roll the new intro please?

[00:00:44][Intro music] This video is brought to you by Curiosity Stream.

[00:01:00]Leading up to your teenage years, you developed  egocentrism. It’s a normal part of adolescence, if you remember your Piaget, it occurs during  the formal operation stage, when you finally develop abstract thinking. You typically grow  out of it, but some people hold onto it well into adulthood. During that time, you think you’re  the center of the universe and all of your novel, abstract thoughts are unique, you’re the first  person to ever think them. You haven’t quite developed your theory of mind yet either. Meaning  that you don’t have the ability to figure out what other people are thinking or the concept  that other people have their own motivations, everything is still about you. And everyone  else is also thinking that exact same thing.

[00:01:39]But during this stage of development, you likely  had what is called a Personal Fable, a story you told yourself about how special and unique you  are. It can range from rather mild to laughably supernatural. Maybe you’re a pop star who hasn’t  been discovered, or a scientist who hasn’t reached their potential. No one is taking you seriously  yet, but you’re destined for great things. Or, maybe, you’re Peter Parker or some other superhero  with special abilities, but during the day you’re just a normal high school student, nobody knows  your secret. This is different from a delusion, because deep down you know it’s not true,  but you allow yourself to indulge in the fantasy – at least in your own head. If you  were ever asked by a therapist or even a friend, you’d of course deny it. But the next day while  you’re walking through the halls at school, you’ll be thinking about how one day you’re  going to save the world… and nobody knows it yet. While it may be a little embarrassing,  it’s a completely normal part of development.

[00:02:32]The stories vary by gender and culture, but  there are three subtypes, or aspects, to Personal Fables. They all blend into each other, you very  likely had elements of all three mixed in. The first subtype is omnipotence, since everything  you’re currently learning and experiencing is new to you, and you’re still incapable of thinking of  others complexly, you think you’re the first and only person to know that thing. And really, what  teenager doesn’t think that they’re the smartest person in the world, or at least, smarter  than their parents. Next is invulnerability, again this isn’t a delusion, deep down you know  that bullets can hurt you. But you can totally do a backflip off that roof. It’s thought that  this aspect of the Personal Fable feeds into the risk-taking behavior that is so often seen in  teenagers, especially boys. You kind of have to take risks in order to learn your own capabilities  and limitations. And lastly, uniqueness, what teenager doesn’t think that they’re special,  and they’re the only one who likes Britney Spears as much as they do, or Star Wars, or Harry Potter,  whatever the kids are into these days. And when they’re sad, nobody has ever been this sad before  – this is the most devastating thing to ever happen and you just wouldn’t understand! We do  understand, we’ve all been a teenager before and, outside of a few extreme circumstances, we’ve  all experienced loss and sadness. That said, this is your first time experiencing  it, so of course it feels unique to you.

[00:03:51]But because you feel omnipotent, invulnerable  and unique, you are the hero of your own story, so naturally, everyone is watching  you. Again, this isn’t a delusion, you know they aren’t really… but they might  be. This is called the Imaginary Audience, when you somewhat believe that you are the  center of attention and that everyone is listening to every word you say, cares about what  you’re wearing, and can totally tell that you’re sweating just a little too much. This isn’t true,  and you’ve probably heard this before – but every single person is thinking the exact same thing.  Like Personal Fables, Imaginary Audiences are a normal part of adolescent development. Having  an Imaginary Audience helps you construct a social image and helps you maintain cultural  and societal norms. Thinking that everyone is watching you helps you fit in. Now obviously,  your friends and people you’re talking to are realistically watching you, but everyone in  the school? No… and deep down you know that.

[00:04:47]But if you legitimately think they are, you’re  suffering from a delusion. There are some people who legitimately believe that they are the star  of a reality show, that everyone is watching them, and that everyone around them are just actors and  extras. You probably know this as the Truman Show Delusion or simply the Truman Syndrome. It went  by a number of different names like Persecutory or Grandiose Delusions, but the reality show  aspect makes it unique, because it didn’t really exist until the movie came out in 1998.  It’s almost like they took what they saw on TV, and incorporated it into their Personal Fable and  Imaginary Audience, and turned it into a delusion.

[00:05:23]If you haven’t seen the movie, Truman  has had his entire life, since birth, broadcast to the entire world as a 24/7  reality show. You get that from the trailer, it really isn’t a spoiler. But  several times during the movie, we get to see the perspective of audience members  around the world. People who know every intimate detail about Truman’s life, they basically  think of him like a friend or family member, and yet Truman has no idea who they are…  in fact he doesn’t even know they exist.

[00:05:47]This is called a Parasocial Relationship. This is  when you have a somewhat meaningful connection to a celebrity, sports team, fictional character, or  social media personality, that isn’t reciprocal.

[00:05:59]It’s one-sided, you’re the only one who is really  aware of the relationship. You might remember when they used to dye their hair, or what their pet’s  name was, maybe you like the same movies as them and you follow them on social media… maybe one  day you make a video about BIRGing where you talk about them at length. Ha! You thought  I was talking about me and you, didn’t you?

[00:06:16]But while we’re on the topic of me and you,  there’s actually quite a lot of you now… I can’t even picture that many people in my head.  That’s more than the entire population of Iceland.

[00:06:24]And it was just sort of an abstract number on my  screen until I started getting messages from you, or even meeting a few of you at  conventions. The first person to ever come up to me was wearing a light up  tie. I'm sorry I don’t remember your name, but I’ll never forget the tie. So now you  guys aren’t just a number, you’re real to me.

[00:06:41]So now that I’ve been on both  sides of parasocial relationships, I thought I might offer a different  perspective. Let me start by saying there’s nothing inherently wrong with  parasocial relationships. I still have parasocial relationships with YouTubers I  haven’t met yet – and some that I have – it’s completely normal these days. But you  do have to keep a few things in mind.

[00:06:58]While you may have been watching someone for  months or even years, when you walk up to them and say hello, that’s the start of the interaction  in their mind. You’ve known who they are forever, they just met you. So if you start asking  them about intimate details of their life that they haven’t personally brought up  yet, it can be a little disorienting.

[00:07:17]They’ll probably realize that you heard  it in a video, but still. If you’ve ever been working somewhere and a customer comes  up to you and calls you by your first name, and you’re like “how did you know my name? Oh  it’s on my name tag…” It’s kind of like that.

[00:07:28]Similarly, you might have just watched that  video the other day that you want to ask them about it, but for them, they filmed that years  ago. So there’s a bit of a time distortion and information imbalance in the relationship.  They’re also not your lawyer, or accountant, or therapist, and while you may think of  them as a friend that you’ve had forever, they just met you. So if you start asking  them for life advice, you might come off a bit strong from their perspective. Think of  your first date, if you unload all of your problems right out of the gate, you’re  going to scare them off. And that’s the natural issue with parasocial relationships,  it’s been one-sided up until this moment.

[00:08:03]Now, I enjoy reading all of your messages  and comments and tweets. I may not be able to respond to them all, but I still enjoy my  side of the parasocial relationship. I can’t help you with all of your problems though, I  have plenty of my own to deal with. And I’m more than happy to meet you and have a chat –  at the appropriate time and place. Speaking of, I’ll be at Vidcon London and Vidcon  US this year. But I’m not a vlogger, I don’t invite you into my home… okay well… this  is my actual living room, this isn’t like a set or anything. In fact, I pretty much sit right  here when I’m playing Fallout 76, or Red Dead, or Smash… whatever the kids are playing these  days. The point is, I have boundaries. I don’t tell you about my day or invite you into  my daily life, I’m an education channel, and almost all of you seem to respect that,  which is great… I don’t want or need stalkers.

[00:08:48]Stalking is what happens when a  parasocial relationship goes wrong, but what if your Imaginary Audience has  malicious intent? You end up with another delusion known as Gang Stalking. Gang Stalking  is when you feel your neighbors, coworkers, or even random people on the street, are all  secretly watching you and even trying to kill you or destroy your credibility. There are no  documented cases of that actually happening, it’s basically just in movies. Gang  Stalking is specifically the delusion that it’s happening and studies done on  self-identified “targeted individuals” have shown them all to be delusional. Unless  the psychologists were also in on it, I guess.

[00:09:24]In her book, How to Deal with and Defeat  Gang Stalkers, the author lists several ways to tell if you are being gang stalked. Pay  attention and see if any of these apply to you.

[00:09:33]You notice that your things are not in the same  place you left them. Neighbors making extra noise, seemingly on purpose. Frequent appliance or  electronic malfunctions. Airplanes flying over the place you stay at timed intervals. People  turn on their headlights everywhere you go, especially parking lots. Frequent car repairs.  Staged car accidents along frequently traveled routes. Hopefully you can see why this is  usually classified as a narcissistic delusion, there are fairly rational explanations  for all of those events. And I’m willing to bet most of you have experienced these  regularly, but don’t think anyone is out to get you. But there is a section that  a lot of rational people do buy into.

[00:10:16]The sense that you are being watched and  followed everywhere you go. People around you pay attention and listen to everything you  do and say. You have a sense that there is no privacy in anything you do. You feel that those  around you have access to your communications.

[00:10:34]You’ve probably seen people testing out  whether Google or Facebook are listening to you to serve you ads based on what you’ve been  saying in random conversations. They aren’t, there’s a rational explanation for that too.  It’s called the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, when you start paying attention to a thing, and then start seeing it everywhere – whether  it’s ads for cat food or even something like the Wilhelm Scream. [Wilhelm scream] It’s always  been there, you’re just looking for it now.

[00:10:57]She wrote this book because she claims to be a  victim of Gang Stalking, and she specifically says it’s very unlikely that the CIA or FBI are  wasting resources to stalk you. So who was gang stalking her? Google? Facebook? Who would spend  the time and effort to hack into her computer and delete the first drafts of this book? The  Milwaukee School of Engineering… with a student population of 2600… I’m not kidding. In fact,  it’s quite likely that if she ever sees this video, she’ll think that I was paid by the  Milwaukee School of Engineering… I wasn’t.

[00:11:29]This video was brought to you by CuriosityStream.  A subscription streaming service that offers over 2000 documentaries and nonfiction titles  from some of the world’s best filmmakers that you can access across multiple platforms.  I recommend starting with the series Digits, hosted by fellow YouTuber Veritasium, about how  the internet does surveil you. The internet is a medium that watches you as you watch it. And how  the internet has shaped our social interactions.

[00:11:54]We’re beginning to interact with the internet  as if it is the only other social being we have in our lives. You can get access to their entire  library for as little as $2.99 a month, but if you head over to curiositystream.com/knowingbetter  and use the promo code knowingbetter, you get your first month completely free, you’ll  also be supporting the channel when you do.

[00:12:16]As he alluded to, the internet is an amazing  tool, but it has also amplified some of the less healthy aspects of our psychology. Back in  the day, if you thought someone was watching you, that’s basically where it ended. But now, you  can go online and find entire communities of people who also think they’re the  victims of some grand conspiracy, which only fuels the delusion. And thanks  to social media, Imaginary Audiences aren’t necessarily imaginary anymore and it’s  completely changed our relationship to celebrities. A parasocial relationship feels  as real to you as any of your IRL friendships, and you get the same rush when a celebrity you  follow actually responds to you. And if they block you or delete their Twitter, you go through  a Parasocial Breakup, which is just as emotionally devastating as a real one. So maybe take a step  back and reevaluate your relationship with the internet before you go looking for someone’s  wikifeet page, because now, you know better.

[00:13:08]Hey look, new outro card! I’d like to give  a shout out to my newest legendary patron Alexander, if you’d like your name added  to this list of parasocial relationships, head on over to patreon.com/knowingbetter.  Don’t forget to gang stalk me by clicking that subscribe button, following me on Twitter  and Facebook, and join us on the subReddit.

[00:13:26][Outro music]