Shalewa Sharpe: Language, Race & Comedy Performance Analysis

[00:00:00]here's the young Mitchell a was shot we missing here lag we're happy to have you back the everybody baby noise one more time rocky present reckons happy to give to you yoga shalay was sharp ladies and gentlemen I was in an elevator last week and I got on the elevator and another black woman got on the elevator behind me and she had really long dreadlocks really long like down to her waist and she was like in her 30s or 40s or 50s you know it's hard to tell how old black people are by looking at him I see some of you trying to do the math right now so the woman turned to me as the doors closed and she said I like your hair and I said thank you I appreciate that I like yours too and then she said ooh you smell good and I wait you know what I'll take it thank you thank you I worked hard on it all things cookie-based and then she said mmm look at you looking all good smelling all good who do you think you are me who are you but she kept saying this oh you think you're me huh looking all cute with your hair and your smells you think you're cute huh you think you're me real uncomfortable guys real uncomfortable didn't really know what to do with it so I did the only thing you could do and I pull the sword out of my tote bag and I locked her head off because I mean as we all know there can be only one and that is me I'm shillelagh hey guys how you doing how are you that's great nice to be here uh home you guys my friends some people that made your friends later hey cute um a girlfriend of mine sent me a sex toy recently how close are you to your friends are you sex toy clothes uh there was a reason I mean there was a reason why she sent me the sex toy and the reason was I needed it very cut and dry very cut and dry so she sent me this vibrator and the vibrator in question has 20 speeds some guys are like what what more power right no no this isn't tool time 20 speeds what kind of space-age polymer is the modern Clint made from that it now needs 20 speeds what it is a docking station it has a docking station with flashing lights and a countdown clock it's just me y'all I don't need that pressure we're talking about 20 speeds seems access first speed very efficient I'm here to tell you gets the job done not sure you need the others in fact I think that's how they named the speeds I think it's like speed one very efficient speed too quick before your roommates get home speed 10 is just James Brown's funky drummer beat speed 18 is the speed only dogs can hear so there's a lot to work with there's a lot to work with guys recording my findings on the blog numb bits dot tumblr.com someone please get me a bag of ice I just want to feel again I just want to feel again that's all that's all I want to do um man I am single thank you for asking 20 speed single that's it was no dudes gonna put up with that come on it's fine I live in New York I live with a couple which is fine you know how it is when you're a single person and you hang out with a couple a lot and like half the time you're like ah you know what this is cool let's go and a good time and the other half of the time you're like don't break up you're my ride like that every hour on the hour that's what it's like to live with a couple it's ridiculous they recently though had a really good couple day you know like everything was clicking for him and I I know this because I spend my free time sitting in my room and listening to them live their lives so they were having a really good day you know like they agreed upon watched and enjoyed a movie on Netflix I can't do that [ __ ] by myself do people did that in the same building that's crazy to me what they have the quietest sex possible which I really appreciate it because sometimes I can't get to my headphones fast enough and now i am a passive third and a menage no one asked for no one asked for it does this feel good baby yeah nobody knows they were having such a good day that I didn't want to leave my bedroom you know what I mean like I didn't want to shuffle out to the bathroom and have them go oh yeah that's right we have a down-and-out 42 year old woman living in our crawl spaces you remember that do you remember we were renting out the reality remember wasn't for the sound of her opening all that instant ramen we'd never know she was him what's that a flavor packet shalay was here keep it down guys keep it down keep it down couples man they don't even know that they are like that you know couples don't I'm i recently had to go to brunch with three couples oof indeed one couple invited me and I got there and was like oh I wish you had told me I would have hired a guy this is embarrassing I gotta what there was a point when they had to stop the waitress to tell her how to separate the chest so they stopped her and they go okay so these two people here they're on one check and the knees to their honor and this is what the waitress did yeah I think I can figure this out a word [ __ ] you got this okay okay so what was your first clue was it that we're sitting at a six-top table and I'm the one in the corner with a plate in my lap is that a is that how you crack the case Schurrle all right all right you're better than wagers aim higher gently aim higher but when the checks came I was the only one who didn't have to have that quiet yet furious conversation with someone else to try and figure out how we're gonna pay for these $15 eggs I just threw down my debit card and said overdrawn all by myself I'll need a man need a man don't want to run that see what it do it'll be a shock to everyone involved give me my bank my parents will all be hell if you got any money off of that eggs on me for everybody all eggs on me hold on y'all remember that to puck all eggs on me by 21 anyway I'm sorry so corny so corny so corny oh um like Rodney mentioned I live in Atlanta I mean to live in atlanta i live in new york and i don't know if you've ever been to New York in the winter time it is magical for like two days and then it's just cold um around Christmastime they've got a big display in the macy's thirty-fourth Street Santa land right it's a big thing people take their families I'm going to get pictures with Santa they're elves everywhere it's huge so here's here's what you do you go you get in line you wait like an hour hour 45 minutes something like that and you can get to the front of the line and you can say to the elf who's there to assist you oh I am I wanted to see the special Santa and that elf will say oh yeah yeah hold on let me let me get leave and that elf will go and get harriet tubman elf who will then lead you down the polar underground Express go through caves and caverns you end up in Maryland and when you get there there is the special Santa and he's black that's where black Santa's cap black Santa you got to have a password for black Santa which is weird I mean I feel like we're around enough we don't need a password black folks were around you can see us it kind of bummed me out when I found out about this cuz a woman did this she recorded it put it on the Internet so it's legit I was really bummed out I thought we were I thought black folks were doing better as a people only because a few months before Christmas like around Halloween i was looking at halloween decorations and I saw this tub of like bloody stumpy arms you know like you're supposed to hang them out of your trunk route of your window to make it look like someone's clawing out of there and most of the arms were Caucasian but there were a few black ones in there and I thought oh finally we overcame we did it guys we did it call off the milk a day you miss hurt us we said decorations not reparations he was harder was hurt us so that's how they do their racism in the north with a password when I was a preparing to move to New York I had to get rid of a lot of stuff that I had here so I am I dropped it off at a goodwill and oh thank you for the smattering of applause you might be wearing something of mine now I had a lot of junk that's so much stuff and the surly young man was helping me unload my car I'm all the stuff and he got out of the front seat area and he said Taz huh Taz I see you I have no idea what you're talking about he was talking about the floor mats in the car i bought the car for craigslist and it came with these Tasmanian devil floor mats and I've gotten a lot of things off of craigslist and i found that you just don't disturb it all I would turn was the key to start it and then we just moved from there that's it I wasn't so I left the car mats in there so he was like oh yeah it has and I was like oh yeah I've got that in there and you know like a joke and he said a joke what you mean a joke and he rolled up his sleeve to reveal a tweety bird tattoo on his arm now I don't know if you can see what I've got on my arm but it's a Sesame Street tattoo I'll [ __ ] with Looney Tunes son children's television workshop all day a day that's how I roll so we are yelling at each other in the parking lot of good will Oh what you gonna get bugs in them what you don't get that big-ass bird that's what's going on in the parking lot and then this dude opened up his shirt to reveal a giant tattoo of the wily coyote unpacking an anvil from the Acme company so I just held up a sign to say Yanks meet me I got the [ __ ] out of there I'm not fight mode dude over a tattoo like you wins on you win drove off into what i thought was the sunset but it turned out to be the side of a painted boulder bad bad um I've got a job in New York ya know that's rare that's so rare it's so rare it has nothing to do with walking a dog or anything that's super rare it is I'm like a receptionist and a clinic we got a new manager recently we've got this new manager and she's um she's this petite white woman and she's got a nose ring so we're gonna have fun guys I'd have a good time so she's trying to get to know everybody you know and trying to bond with them and so she decided with me she would talk about Motown music if for some reason you find yourself with a black person it happens got asked for the special friend and you can't think of anything to talk about because the tragedy of the human condition isn't enough you feel don't talk about motown we're tired of hearing about that [ __ ] I don't want to talk about it I don't want to hear it I don't care I don't care that you dance around your kitchen to it it means different things I just I don't look man I'm not doing that to y'all in hotel california I'm not doing it I don't care and that shits everywhere that song is evidence my girl everywhere it's all over the place kind of catchy too but I won't even I don't even bring it up don't get so touchy so touchy about the Eagles look I have lots of opinions about music I have lots of informed strong opinions about music I'm going to talk about any of them here's one I'm tired of pop stars singing about how they're going to put it on you that [ __ ] ain't happening nobody's putting it on you I'm out there in the fields doing the research nobody knows what they're doing nobody knows you remember a few years ago you guys know who Kelly Rowland is she wasn't that she's one of Destiny's children right so a few years ago she had a very popular song grammy-nominated and she said in it that she wanted to be [ __ ] so hard that she couldn't feel her legs look here now if a dude [ __ ] you so hard that you can't feel your legs that dude is God and he just gave you a stroke that's how that works that's how that works it's ridiculous and I know that sounds that sounds terrible I know it's a terrible thing to say but I feel like I can say that because um a few years ago my mother had a very serious stroke she was paralyzed on the right side in a wheelchair for basically the rest of her life so obviously that means my dad knew how to put it down what up top the way their puppet at all right fair enough fair enough it's not right no one wants to agree let's see how y'all gon do me just leave me out here Nana that's cool that's when it's cool 90 slang let's talk about it because the 90s are back there back baby they're bad I don't know how many of you were here the first time around but it's definitely back you know what I mean like I'm seeing all all the same [ __ ] in the streets you know oversized flannel shirts I'm seeing that I'm seeing that a lot the brothers are getting the high-top fades again you know squaring off and seeing that white girls give a [ __ ] about feminism all that [ __ ] is bad so back great it's so great so I've been looking up like 90 slang words because i was just kind of curious about what it was we were saying back then so i researched it and i learned something very interesting about 90 slang and that is that I never stopped using 90 slave didn't know there was an expiration date I am still off the chain guys it never called me back I'm gonna stay off I like it out here wind in my hair it's nice it's nice it's nice but yeah I mean I still say it's tough like yo it's mad hectic up in this piece you know when the last time somebody acknowledged that it was mad hectic up in this piece with mary j blige and a spike lee joint that's the last time that happened the last time that happened he'll i'm from here i get crunk we are contractually obligated to do so as Atlantians we get crunk but the young people say to me they say oh no shillelagh miss lady we get turnt up now turk up I don't even like how that feels in my mouth I won't do it I refuse I refuse I repeatedly turn up I rebuke thing I have you pain get behind the turn up I'm just you know I'm like at that weird middle age thing we're like I get it but I don't you know what I mean like if you're 27 or younger I don't get your references sorry I smile and I not I have no idea what you're talking about what the [ __ ] in Adventure Time what do y'all keep going on nothing about but I am still young enough so that any white person over the age of like 55 will tell me about the other black person they've met she was a jazz singer yeah we all are we all are 10 the bylaws you probably didn't know that probably didn't know that feminism that's a thing right that's hot and popping in the streets I honestly just learned about feminism like I read about it on tumblr the internet that's where you find everything I just kept clicking on pictures of cats until I found a manifesto just that easy just that easy angry out here ladies are angry I learned something about feminism and that is there's a bit of a rift between black feminists and white feminists um black feminist feel that their concerns are not being addressed by the leaders of feminism who tend to be white women and white women don't necessarily like to be told that they're wrong I get it look I get it I get it their safety has been woven into the fabric of society I get it [Applause] but when I learned that there was a black version of something that didn't like the white version of something I was like oh my god I'm in home so that's how you get me more literature please I'm totally in cuz that's how I was raised I wasn't raised to be a strong woman I was raised to hate everything that's not black that's that's just where I'm coming from just where I'm coming from you know this is um this is how black my household was the school I went to when I was a young lass living in Brooklyn we spoke Swahili and we set a pledge that included the seven principles of Kwanzaa every day you know how heavy the seven principles of Kwanzaa are when you're six I'm just trying to learn how to pronounce chalet will like the rest of y'all don't put this on me now I gotta be a woman to you just gonna throw a rape culture on top of that I'm tired y'all I'm [ __ ] exhausted I can't do it all not your superwoman I can't do it can't do it no really seriously pro-black household this is how pro-black my household was Malcolm X was assassinated um februari of 1965 before he was supposed to give a speech my father was supposed to be at that speech my father was not at that speech because he was running late that that is the blackest thing I've ever heard running late to a Malcolm X speech come on now that is what that is pitch that is midnight that is super planet that is shaft black that's crazy oh man Hey look you know what I don't I don't want you thinking i'm coming down on white women i know i've had a couple of things but now i love y'all I love yo you know what shout out to white women I feel like that's probably not said enough shout out to the white women I saw you guys at the UM the protests that were going on in New York be all the black lives matters protesters so heartwarming to see you guys using that oversized sense of entitlement for good there is nothing like watching a white woman yell at a cop using the same tone of voice that she normally would be saying oh yeah well let me speak to your manager have my faxes to have my back I love y'all god bless you i love you so much oh man you guys are so great so i spent a lot of time online just looking at stupid [ __ ] i did actually come across something very interesting it was um an article about a study on african american vernacular English that's Ebonics y'all that's a garnet in fact I think that's what the study was called African American vernacular English coal and evanna chill I think that's what I think that's what they call to study so so in this study um there is a group of children black and white and the researchers would show them pictures and some questions marked down the results one of the photographs they showed them was of cookie monster sitting at a table and Elmo standing to the side eating cookies right so Elmo's on the side eating cookies cookie monsters just chillin at a table and they asked the kids hey kids what's Elmo doing and all of the kids black and white said oh well Elmo's eating cookies and I said all right what's uh what's Cookie Monster doing now the white kids said well he's not doing anything but the black kids said Oh cookie monster he be eating cookies I see some blank faces I don't know I don't know if you really heard what happened there the black kids said Elmo is eating cookies but cookie monster be eating cookies Elmo is but cookie monster be keeping cookie stay eatin cookie that [ __ ] eatin cookies all day hey Dad you catch that [ __ ] industry heat cookies what so the black kids got to the essence of cookie monster with just the word be it's legit it's a real same guys who phonics is a real thing all the white kids were like it is exactly as it appears to be why would I question the status quo it has worked for me so far I am 7 and the black kids were like nah nah nah nah I see him but what's his soul like going on with the monster within what's going on with us ah the internet is crazy oh man um friends on Facebook announcing that they're gonna get married no it's great I'm happy for all of them I'm happy for all of them there's a lot of that happening you know she said yes congratulations good for you she's doing the Lord's work I don't know I see that a lot one guy in particular posted his she said yes and everyone was very excited for him but when I saw it I thought oh yeah that guy when I had sex with him and he would stroke himself he would hold his pinky up that's weird right I feel like that's where I thought it was weird in the moment very dainty real date like kid gloves very dainty very dainty I mean look I [ __ ] them anyway because I put the futon down my futon is not coming back up till everybody gets there you know what I'm saying I don't have that kind of upper arm strange so I [ __ ] a dude anyway but it was kind of like [ __ ] a fairy and I don't mean a gay man and I don't mean a woodland creature I mean an actual fairy a medium-sized slow-moving boat [Applause] that eventually gets you to your destination you know what I'm saying Mazel to impose I'm sure they're very happy together I'm sure they are what I've had sex before I had sex not too long ago with another person and I got to do a thing that I hadn't done in a long time and that is make a sexy playlist you know list the songs to play while you're boning you know when your opponent well are we still boning is that the term but it's been so long I'm not even really sure if that's slaying anymore boom knocking boots are we knocking boots that I understand that I understand so you know I worked hard on this playlist I found the perfect songs and I the dude came over we got down to business I hit play one and a half songs later we were done so then we just had to lie there for 44 minutes and listen to what I think sex is very awkward I was like why did I think this would take this long and why are there so many there might be giants on Saunders Who am I doing this for am I doing this for him it's hard it's hard to meet people i don't know how honey folks do it with the tinder and the swiping in the ok and the Cupid's in there I can't even I mean even by kicking it old-school I'm just on craigslist that's know what schools I can I saw a ad on crutches the title of the ad on Craigslist and the men seeking women section the title of the ad said in all capital letters nut in your [ __ ] and I almost clicked on it because he spelled your correctly what come on our kids will be smart right I mean there will be kids you're just noted in my [ __ ] right I believe I found isn't that how that works so now how that works oh man that reminds me man plan B for when you click on that terrible ad craigslist the kids use the plan B that's their [ __ ] friend of mine was telling me about having a night that gone horribly awry and she had to go get plan b and I i stumbled into this grandma moment you know where i just i said to her you know in my day which by the way if anybody ever says to you you know in my day just punch him in the throat punch him in the throat they're not that old they didn't get your in a stagecoach it's not you guys can relate i'm pretty sure so anyway I said to her you know in my day we just had to gobble down like five birth control pills which I mean is true but no one's trying to hear that no one was to hear that from the old lady in the break room no one wants the hats like if I'm telling that same story to somebody older than me I don't want to hear ago you know in my day we just had to shoot Pepsi up there and jump up and down I don't I don't really know how science works comes I don't I don't I am I did a little research on plan B turns out if you weigh over a hundred and sixty six pounds it will not work so i have a new weight goal and i got a cute little story to tell you let me tell you this cute little story so I am I had to have an abortion it's neither here nor there look I named the fetus nubbins McGillicuddy okay so clearly I am NOT I can't be a mom I can't be along that's not that's not how a sane person thinks I can so so that's a you know whatever so that's not that's not the point it's not the point of the story although I will say I was very upset with my body for turning on me like that we'd had an agreement I've been telling it all along no kids body I don't want any kids and my body had been saying I got you I got you here's what I'm going to do I'm going to give you the craziest periods possible you're never going to know when they're coming now that kind of means you can't have sex with anyone but hey I got you waiting on say no men your way I got you boo no kids I got you and then it got me then it got me so in the recovery room after the procedure they they will you into this big room with lots of recliners so everybody is sitting in a recliner and kind of dealing with what has just happened so these ladies all familiar faces because we were all watching ferris bueller's day off in the waiting room so we were tight we're all just sitting there kind of trying to deal with there are a lot of moans just you know some people crying and I am I was sitting there saying to myself over and over you're going to be okay you're going to be okay and then I thought of Michael Jackson smooth criminal video now if you haven't seen that video in a while you should revisit it it's a good one in this video that's the one with the white suit and the Hat the tilt yeah we all know it so about I don't know like five it's like a nine minute video I feel like like 5-6 minutes in there's a dance break but before the dance break all the lights go out and Michael starts doing this you know it was the stomping era of Michael he was stomping a lot doing a lot of wrist flicking his fingers were taped up so that's the mic we were getting and he started going [Music] and then someone else one of the other dancers in the video from all of the other dancers started to catch the Holy Ghost ooh and they're making these guttural noises that somehow becomes any are you okay are you okay are you okay Annie it's a low chant that builds and builds any are you okay keeps getting louder are you okay are you okay Annie until finally everybody is screaming it and it's a call-and-response with Michael Annie are you okay are you okay are you okay Annie boom lights come back on he does the thing like this it's beautiful beautiful this is what the recovery room after my abortion made me think oh so now I'm sitting in this chair and I've started to say to myself out loud Annie are you okay are you okay are you okay Annie the woman next to me says who's Annie I said hey we lost a lot of good people back there what do you go what are you doing who talks to someone in the recovery room why are you asking me questions are you crazy not the time to start a conversation we're not making friends clearly all of us have a problem bonding with other people maybe I just want to be alone just a minute can I come on crazy I kind of wish though that the other women in the recovery room and had that realization a tie that I had that we had all heard suppose criminals together it would have been kind of cool I feel like it would have been empowering and we all could have gotten up and done like a kick-ass dance return to it you know although I have a feeling it probably would have looked a lot more like scrilla we were fogged up y'all don't do it protect your neck stay in school don't do this young don't be like me to not do it but that whole ordeal has me thinking about legacies you know like just giving back to the world my mom passed away recently and i am not going to have any kids so I'm just thinking like what if I like what have I done for the world what good have I done for the world and then I remembered that when I was 13 I was in a focus group for Cool Ranch Doritos you're welcome you're welcome you're welcome I did that I we had no idea what we were doing in here cos we had no idea you just like what do you think kid I don't know it's a chip to taste like salad dressing here's forty bucks go back out in the street but it's amazing so I'm real snooty on like tinder and [ __ ] cuz if you come to me with like I'm a surgeon oh that's adorable what are you fixing people one at a time I change the world [ __ ] I change the world at 13 I change the world speaking of food when someone says to me I'm allergic to gluten what I'm actually hearing is I make more money than you right because you can't be broke and allergic to gluten you can be broken [ __ ] a lot but you can't be broke that's not how money works you can't be broken allergic to gluten so now that's an extra ten dollars I gotta spend because your tummy is precious that's some [ __ ] tired of people complain about [ __ ] that's not a problem give me your [ __ ] gluten then I'll take your gluten give me a bread give me your gluten give me your dick pics i'm tired of [ __ ] complaining about getting dick pics oh [Applause] my god the steward sent me a dick pic give it here quit being stingy i will line the walls in my apartment with that shed with a string attaching like dick too personal like SVU style cuz for me it's not about the dick it's about the mystery why did you send that to me I'm disgusted yet intrigued tell me more do that it's ridiculous I don't care I'll send my [ __ ] out and the ether aankhen i'm sending it out there oh you know I once I'm sent a picture of my boobs to a dude and his response was thanks that's all just thanks and your groom since I was like oh man really I kind of felt like I had filled out an online job application on the automatic response email thank you for your sext we received thousands of titty pictures a week so we can't respond to them all our yours meets our criteria we will file it away thank you for your interest in our orgasm I just it's not fair it's not fair it kind of spooked me I didn't do it for a while and then I'm in another dude and I was like I'll send him picture my boobs in this guy but I didn't I forgotten all my angles you know and the lighting and all it's all very important you know trying so I just sent him a picture of a grapefruit next to a tangerine like you get it it's a lot like that so it's a lot like that guy's that's what it looks like I once um I wanted to send the sex too dude at like two in the morning you know that would have been a terrible idea I mean that's when all the road scholars are doing their best work at two in the morning you know a lot a lot of term papers being sent out two in the morning it would have been a terrible mistake but I really wanted to do it and then I thought of a thing that a guy friend told me once he said shalay whoa when i'm pretty sure i'm going to do something really stupid I stopped and I take a moment and I masturbate and when I'm done the urge is gone I just go back to sleep so I I took a page out of his book and I rubbed one out speed five by the way guys at speed five-speed five you're wondering keeping score so I rubbed one out and then I sent the text to the dude anyway because i was still lonely ah what are you supposed to do with that guys I don't guys how guys guys how do you rub one out in your heart thought we had the technology thought this was the future 20 speeds can't help you with that now can it so now I've just changed how I masturbate because clearly I'm not getting the feeling that I want so what I do is I take towels right and I roll them up really tight and then i drape them across my chest so it feels like someone's spooning me that's what I do don't worry i still use the dildo guys i still use a dildo i do i just rested against my thigh i put it in a pair of boxer shorts and I rested against my thigh turn up the space heater it's like you still there guys and that is the ballad of Sholay with sharp thank you very much [Applause] and we'll look I give you mr. lay with sharp lady gentlemen you it also